A Little Assistance

I got sick of looking for jobs, so I hired an assistant. Probably not the best idea, since I could hardly afford to live, let alone pay someone else. I guess I just hated getting rejected so much that I wanted to create a scenario where I had that power. As it turned out, I hired the first person I interviewed.

His name was Jack. He arrived on the first day in a crisp business suit and tie, ready to work, except I didn’t foresee what I’d actually get my employee to do. I asked him for some suggestions.

“Of course,” he said, eager to please, but his eyes betrayed confusion. “I could get you some coffee to get started?”

I decided that was a good idea and ordered a double double and sent him out to fetch it, even though I didn’t like Tim Horton’s and besides I already had my coffee in hand while giving Jack his first task. But the time he was away would give me a chance to think of something for him to do.

When he returned, I asked him to apply for jobs for me, since that was my primary “job” these days, and outsourcing would give me time to play games and listen to podcasts. Jack applied for a couple dozen jobs a day, where I usually applied for one or two, as long as I didn’t need to do a cover letter or re-enter my resume information. Soon calls came in for the jobs, but I couldn’t be caught answering my own phone, so I got Jack to take the calls and make the interview appointments.

The thought of doing interviews all day exhausted me, too, so I got Jack to do them for me. Once a job offer came in, Jack accepted it on my behalf. He even offered to work the job so I wouldn’t have to, which was ideal since I could now actually pay him. I made more money from my job than Jack made working for me, so I could afford to live comfortably. The problem was, with Jack out all day working at my job, I had no assistant to answer my calls or bring me coffee or find me new podcasts. I had no choice but to hire a second assistant, which made paying both he and Jack and myself difficult. Jack 2 (I forget his real name) had to find me a part time job (and work it for me, of course) to cover that difference.

I hired a third assistant to cover Jack 2’s missing shifts while he was at my side job. Going through the hiring process seemed stupid since I had all these assistants, so I got Jack 3 to handle my hiring from then on.

After a while people were saying I was running a “hiring agency” of some kind. I didn’t know what that meant–to me it was all automation. I had people hiring other people, and those people thinking of reasons I needed to hire more people, and there were too many assistants for my apartment pretty soon so they got an office to do their work, and my bank account got so big I had to hire people to manage it.

It’s amazing how many people there are in the world just waiting to be assistants!






Day 343’s three random writing prompt categories were, “An assistant,” “Over coffee,” and, “Job hunting.”


– H.

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