How To Spot a Wizard

Let’s talk about wizards.

Real wizards, I mean. The ones in Edmonton and area, specifically. I’m sure they can be found elsewhere, but I haven’t checked. Anyway, I’ve been seeing them around for a few years now and I feel like I should say something since nobody seems to be talking about them. I like to think I’m a fairly intelligent, Godless, open-minded fellow, so I’m not looking to burn any magic-using individuals at the stake. The following is just a guideline for identification. Do with it what you will.

There is a checklist of four categories to go through in your mind when trying to spot a wizard. If you say yes to at least TWO of the following questions, then baby, you’ve got a wizard goin’.

Number One: Does the individual have a long beard, preferably white or grey? (It doesn’t have to be Zed Zed Top long, just longer than the aver-age beard.)

Number Two: Are they wearing a long coat? (Or sweeping robes, if they’re not even trying to hide it.)

Number Three: Are they carrying a staff or walking stick? (No lie: I have seen people in the middle of West Edmonton Mall with fucking walking sticks, acting like they don’t even know how to bend the fabric of reality. They must think we’re complete idiots.)

Number Four: Are they wearing a wide-brimmed, and/or pointy hat? (In this case, a fedora will do. As for pointed hats, I’ve yet to see any wizards with the gall to wear conical Gandalf or Potter hats after Halloween, but I have seen a few wearing particularly flat toques, which look pointed from the front, if not from the side. It still counts, though, obviously.)

Thanks to the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, now that you know about wizards, you’ll undoubtedly see them all over the place, just like how I see the number 37 everywhere. Unfortunately, I don’t have as clear a checklist for identifying witches (something those folks in Salem could have used as well, no doubt). Surely the above categories will work when applied to ladies, give or take number one. I have noticed a couple witches with long purple coats, toques with fuzzy puffballs on top, and who carry umbrellas even in winter. It’s possible they’re just magical singing nannies, but isn’t that just a subcategory of witch? Further research may be required. I’m rambling.

The takeaway here is that you should keep an eye out for witches.

– H.

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